choice=anxiety

The Breeze at Dawn

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don’t go back to sleep!” ~Rumi

Beyond the Binary

A Humanistic Approach to Exploring Gender and Sexual Identity

Sam Jahara

 

Belonging

Freud viewed gender difference as the basis of identity formation, meaning that the development of a self occurs through becoming a man or a woman. He thought that our gender and sexuality are more than just a result of social influences or modelling; they are deeply internalised into our identity structure. Although Freud spoke about the ambiguity and fluidity of the self, he believed that unless a body designated as female or male became respectively feminine or masculine it would lead the person to maladjustment and defective development (Beasley, 2005).

The Divided Brain

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant but has forgotten the gift.
Einstein

Transition

This is a transitional period, a transition from an old to a new way of being, thinking, living and working. For the past 3 years my life has felt like hard work – physically, emotionally and intellectually. It feels like I have been walking into the depths of a forest, dense with trees and devoid of sunlight. In Jungian psychology this dense and dark place is called the shadow.

In her book ‘The Expressive Body in Life, Art and Therapy’, Daria Halprin writes:

‘The personal shadow from which no person can escape contains the collection of qualities and feelings that were not allowed- the negative emotions, the not-so-nice characteristics, the disorderly and chaotic, or any other aspect of our person that might jeopardize the well-constructed façade of the ego. Along with all the of the “not allowed stuff”, the undeveloped talents, gifts and potential, as well as the ability to connect with and communicate our actual feelings and experiences, get inadvertently thrown into the bag as well.’ (2003, p.177)

Immersing oneself in the shadow is a process in which one either enters into voluntarily, is thrown in it by external life circumstances, or both. The shadow represents the part of ourselves which have been wounded early on. This wounded self, when unexamined, becomes a neglected and split off aspect of us which wants to be seen, manifesting itself in the way we relate to others and ourselves.

Working with the wounded self can feel like an incredibly arduous process at times, but also one which leads us into the depth of who we are. This process involves acknowledging that parts of our emotional world are wounded and bleeding and need to be healed. Once the healing journey begins, new possibilities open up, creative energy is released and change becomes possible. Knowing yourself means letting the disowned and wounded parts of the self lead us to the hidden treasures of who we are (Halprin, 2003).

It feels like the past 3 years have been marked by an intense love-hate relationship with my shadow. Once I started loving it more than hating it, real inner-transformation began. Learning to love my shadow was learning to love and be compassionate with myself; and I believe this has led to an increased ability to love and be compassionate towards others.

Watch this space for more on working in therapy with the shadow aspects of ourselves.

Sense of Belonging

Identity and belonging is something many struggle with, especially those who are either displaced or choose to move away from where they grew up. Others have it by having lived or travelled abroad for long periods. This can also be felt by those who live within their culture of origin, either through social oppression or a sense of ‘being different’ or ‘not fitting in’.

Today I realised that there is not one but various aspects of me, gained though my lived experience, which strive to find a sense of belonging. I thought that the therapeutic journey was partially about finding ways of nourishing and loving oneself and strengthening one’s ‘core’, so that external factors have less of an impact on one’s sense of self. Whilst this is true, I also believe in the importance of nourishing various aspects of ourselves through meeting others who are like-minded; whilst also being aware that no one group or one person will ever encompass and be able to relate to all of these parts.

There is something wonderful about relating to the diversity in others and yet a longing remains to find places and people with whom I feel accepted and ‘at home’, through similarities in cultural background, profession, age, gender, sexuality, lifestyle and worldview. Having lived in different countries, my inclination has always been to absorb the culture I lived in and forget my own in order to belong and ‘fit in’. This has left me feeling somewhat lost in myself and with a sense of not really knowing who I am. Whilst I still believe that it is important to integrate in the culture you are in, my experience is that it is equally important to stay true to who you are and seek those who are positively affirming of you.

I have experienced my own culture at times as too patriarchal and homophobic, finding refuge in and embracing the more egalitarian and tolerant Northern European way of thinking.  Yet, there are positive aspects of my own cultural background and upbringing which I truly miss.

This is a process of understanding where I come from and who I am now; a fusion of both worlds.

Being vulnerable

I feel open, moved and in awe of the struggles clients bring to counselling. Sitting in my chair, I am aware of my spine being supported, my belly moving with each in and out breath and of my heart beating. I pay attention to how my body responds to my clients’ emotions, state of confusion or resistance. Their struggles play out in our relationship too.

Relationships are complex because we carry our emotional baggage with us wherever we go. However, when we meet someone new, the first thing we want to do is pretend this baggage doesn’t exist.

In therapy the reverse process occurs because there is a constant invitation for the emotional baggage to emerge, given it is the very thing which we work with. Showing one’s vulnerability to another person can be scary, overwhelming and painful. Yet it can also be wonderful. To expose your demons to another and trust that they will still be there in the end, loving you regardless, takes tremendous courage.

For this, I want to acknowledge all those who have taken the first step in this journey.

Sam Jahara

Week After Week

Today I met a couple of friends for brunch. Before leaving for my therapy appointment, one of them asked me “what do you talk about in therapy, week after week? Surely you run out of things to talk about at some point…”

Most weeks I have something I want to talk about, however I know that this can be a hard concept to grasp. Talking about oneself week after week can feel daunting, unecessary or self-indulgent.

But what are the actual advantages of doing this? Is it beneficial to keep digging into one’s darkest materials? Well, I had my own therapy today. I have been working with the same therapist for about 4 years now and after 4 years of going over childhood stuff, relationship patterns, self-doubt, etc…today I felt something shift at a deeper level. I know I have felt similar before, but there was something different about this.

Walking up to her consulting room I felt fragile and yet I knew I was going to be okay because with her I feel safe and held. No matter how I feel or what I bring, this therapeutic space allows me to be totally myself. A safe environment, where positive and negative emotions can emerge in a climate of gentleness and acceptance. A motherly, loving quality permeates the room which is incredibly healing.

Charlotte Davis Kasl wrote: ‘For people who come from dysfunctional families, the underlying goal of the psyche in choosing partners is often to address unfinished business left from childhood.’ Today I felt in my every bone what this really means. We used art-therapy; my image cleary showing an open wound. We ended the session with a question to her: ‘Will this wound ever heal?’ The answer was that some wounds may never heal. What matters is how we treat them.